What About Dad?

Years of experience tell us that good fathers are really no different than good mothers. Regardless of their sex, parents of well-adjusted children have similar characteristics--they are loving, warm, involved, and supportive. Most fathers have these characteristics. Men, however, often have problems finding ways to express these characteristics and being involved in the lives of their children. Involvement for many men means asking Mom how the kids are doing or making sure a roof is over their heads and food is in their stomachs.

Learning about His Children

Knowing what to expect from children at certain ages helps understand what types of activities and topics of conversation are appropriate. Understanding that around 21 months of age, for example, most children become very attached to their mothers and may prefer them over dad is reassuring. Realizing that most 10-year-olds haven't yet developed the ability to think abstractly will help steer conversations away from theoretical discussions. It will also help a man realize that the relationship with his child is dynamic. As both a father and child grow, change, and mature, their interests change. There will be times when the father-child relationship is more close than at others. This is especially true during adolescence when many teenagers are trying to sort through all the components of their identity. A successful relationship with a teen requires much effort, tolerance, patience, and open, honest communication on the part of a parent.

Recognizing a Child's Uniqueness

The second thing a dad should do is accept that all children are unique and have special abilities and talents. A father needs to accept his unathletic as well as his athletic children, his not-so-bright as well as his very bright children. A man should also understand that he may relate to one age child better than another. Some dads are best with babies, many prefer those of school age, while others do best with teens. However, just because a man may relate better to one age group doesn't excuse him from involvement with them before or after the child moves through it. A father needs to relate, at least to some extent, right from birth.

Steps Toward Better Fathering

The following ideas may help many men in their efforts to become better fathers.

1. Use genuine encounter moments (GEMS). The self-esteem of children is greatly influenced by the quality of time spent with them, not the amount. Busy lives cause many parents to think about the next thing they have to do instead of focusing attention on their children. If children don't receive GEMS throughout the day, they may misbehave--negative attention is better than no attention.

2. Actions speak louder than words. Statistics reveal that children receive more than 2,000 compliance requests a day. As a result, many become "parent deaf." Instead of nagging or yelling, search for an action.

3. Give children appropriate ways to feel power. If parents don't find ways to help empower children, children will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help balance the checkbook, help with household tasks--even if you can do these tasks yourself with less hassle.

4. Use natural consequences. When parents consistently interfere in situations, they rob children of learning opportunities. Allow consequences to do the talking, rather than constant nagging or reminding.

5. Use logical consequences. Often the natural consequences may be too severe or too far in the future to be of practical use. When this is the case, logical consequences are effective. It is important for consequences to be logically related to the behavior in order for them to work. If a child forgets to return an overdue video and he is grounded for a week, he will only resent the punishment. Instead, return it for him and deduct the fee from his allowance, or allow him to work off the money owed. This way the child can see the logic of the discipline.

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