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Setting Limits For Your Child
What are limits and why are
they so important in parenting? Let's explore.
Limits are specific behavioral expectations parents set for their
children. Setting limits defines the boundaries for acceptable
behavior. Parents show their love, concern, and willingness to
parent children when they set and use reasonable limits. But there
is something funny about limits - children will never say they
want/need/like them. However, children need clear, reasonable limits
just as much as they need food and shelter. Limits are at the
foundation of parenting responsibility.
There are two behaviors we see from children reared without
limits. Some children will withdraw, too frightened to test the
boundaries by themselves. Other children will deliberately misbehave
to see who is watching to step in and provide the limit.
Kinds of Limits
No two families are alike. Children and parents have different
needs. When establishing rules or limits, it is important to
consider individual and family needs to determine the number and
kind of limits. Parents need to consider what rules will be most
important in guiding children's behavior. As parents set limits, it
is important to think carefully and be clear about which behaviors
must be stopped and which can be overlooked. Set as few limits as
possible. When too many rules or limits exist, parents find
themselves disciplining children every time they turn around,
causing the child to think there is something wrong with
them.
'Limit Your Limits'
Limits must reflect your deeply held values. This conviction is
what you draw on every time the limit is broken/tested, and you must
enforce it. Children respond to limits that are real priorities for
parents. Reduce the number of limits to the ones that really count.
Limiting behavior that harms others or is deliberate disobedience is
important at any age.
Set Reasonable Limits
What are reasonable limits? Reasonable means limits that allow a
child to succeed. Parents are in the best position to determine
"reasonable." Tune in to the child's individual personality and
needs. Some limits are unreasonable because they are not humanly
possible. Expecting too much can lower self-esteem and cause stress
in your child. The child may become angry with him/herself for
failing, or he/she may give up even trying. The child may also
become angry and more defiant. Either way, if a child can not be
good at succeeding, he/she is going to be tempted to be good at
failing.
Clear and Positive
Children know what we expect of them only when we tell them in
clear terms. Limits tell children what to do and how well it should
be done (the standard). Make sure you have their attention. Children
who understand the limits are much more likely to assume
responsibility for their actions.
Consistent
Limits should not change from day to day or setting to setting.
Inconsistently enforced limits are very confusing to children.
Parents should discuss and agree on limits before they are presented
to the children so there is a consistent response. This discussion
and a consistent response will eliminate the, "well, mom always lets
me do that when you aren't here." If children receive mixed messages
about limits, they will test the limits more often.
Adapting
Many limits continue from year to year. Expecting children to
treat one another's possessions carefully is a reasonable limit at
any age. Other limits should be changed as children grow older. Yet
knowing when to make these changes and explaining them to children
can be a difficult challenge for parents. Fortunately, the parents'
skills at setting limits improves with practice.
Whys
Explain the "why" behind the limit. Can a child verbalize the
reason for the limit? Explanations make sense only if the limits are
reasonable, clear, positive, enforceable, and very dear to values
and convictions. If children understand the whys, they are more
likely to accept them.
Enforceable
Children are going to "try" the limit, and parents must be
willing to stand tough. In testing the limit, children are testing
parental commitment to their word. Children want their parents to
love them enough to stand up for their deepest beliefs consistently.
Ask the child to restate the rule. If children know a rule and
are acting on impulse, ask them to stop what they are doing and
identify the limit they are breaking. Tell them whether their
description is correct.
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